I just keep thinking: "what if?"
What if Linda had been just a little crazier? More violent?
What if JJ had been harmed? Sarah could've lost her baby. She could've been killed. What if JJ had been left without a mother? Walt might've thrown his whole career away if he'd shot Linda. He almost forfeited his whole life. JJ might've been taken away from him, and never forgiven me. Even though it wouldn't have been my fault ... at least not directly.
I was so close to losing everything good in my life, what remains of my family. It would've all been gone.
I know I should be happy, relieved. None of those bad things happened. But the truth is I still feel afraid. Petrified, down to the marrow.
After all, what if the next person I try to help turns out to be more psychotic than Linda? When I prevent something bad from happening, am I just making Sarah, JJ and Walt bigger targets for all the nutcases out there? If so, what can I do to protect them, keep them safe?
What if I just ignore my visions? Do nothing and let the future happen? Would I be able to? Would the visions eventually stop? Or, would the headaches come back with a vengeance?
Worse, would Armageddon come quicker, if I quit trying to prevent it?
I believe I'm making a difference; I must keep standing against whatever storm is brewing. I may be the only one who can.
But I also can't keep putting my family in danger, either.
What if I leave Cleaves Mills? Vacate the area. By staying, I put those I care about at risk. By leaving, I might be able to do more good, to better halt whatever cogs and wheels Janus and Stillson put in motion.
It may be time to start thinking about going away...