AUGUST 27, 2006

I can't believe this has happened. What if this is permanent? What happens then? Am I just ordinary now?

I'd rather be dead.

I can't believe that after all I did and after all the people I hurt, I'm stuck in this hospital, powerless to finish what I started.

Meanwhile, Collier's still out there on the loose -- with my promicin. He has to be stopped. And I know I'm the one to do it. I have to be. It's why I was put on this earth.

I can't go back to my "old" life, even if I wanted to, there's nothing to go back to. Everything has changed. For me, I've betrayed everyone I loved or thought I could trust -- I wasn't totally sure if I could, but I did in the end -- and in some cases, they even betrayed me.

I still can't believe that my own father tried to kill me. I hurt Shawn -- I had no choice really -- but I was really hoping not to have to do the same to my dad. I didn't even know he had developed an ability. He probably never even used it on anyone else before he used it on me.

I guess I deserved it. He knows I would've hurt him if I had to and besides, I was about to wreak some serious havoc on his precious 4400 Center, which was the only thing he had in his life, except for me.

Well, now I know what I'm finally made of. It's actually a relief to have the clarity, to know that there's something that is so essential to who I am that I'm willing to do anything to achieve it.

Just look what I did to Shawn, the man I was going to marry. We were supposed to be on the same side. I loved him, as much as I understood what love was. But then Collier came back and everything changed, not just for me but for everyone -- and quickly.

And now with my abilities gone, it's a completely different ballgame. But there's still one thing I have: my brain. I know I am smarter than all of these people. That couldn't have changed. There has to be a way I can turn this around. I need to figure out a plan fast and get the hell out of here.

They can't stop me, I don't care what that little girl at the 4400 Center said to me. What does she know? Maybe she was only talking about what I was "trying" at that moment and she was right about that; it didn't work. Maybe I was going about it all wrong by trying go after Collier where I thought it would hurt most: his ego.

It's no secret that he has always been a little too concerned about the "glory" of his cause. Even since he came back, his ambition hasn't waned one bit. He's out there somewhere believing that he is some kind of Messiah. Just like Shawn's compassion, Collier's Achilles Heel is his ambition and need for public recognition and appreciation.

It doesn't matter to him, in the same way it matters to my dad, that the 4400 Center is gone. That was just a temporary platform for him to grow his profile and influence. Now he has something that everyone wants, something that could really change people's lives -- all of our lives.

But what he has is mine. And I want it back.

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