JULY 2, 2006
ONLY I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME
So, now my father knows.
Part of me is relieved he knows about Shawn and I. I don't have anything to hide and, frankly, I was getting a bit tired of sneaking around.
I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want to do.
But part of me knew that my dad wouldn't approve and would try to interfere. Why can't he let us be happy? Because he's not happy? That hardly seems fair. My dad actually tried to stop us from being together.
But then I hurt my own father. I could've killed him and almost did ... if I can do that to my very own father, what else am I capable of?
I guess I was angry. First, my father tries to interfere and then Shawn actually goes along with him. I still can't believe Shawn tried to break up with me. I tried to brush it off, make light of it and not take him seriously. I know he wants to be with me. It was ridiculous for him to even suggest otherwise.
But honestly, it hurt me. We have such a wonderful connection that's growing stronger by the day. It's the one thing that's making us happy -- and then he tries to stop it.
Shawn said he's worried that he's taking advantage of me, like I'm a child and I'm not capable of making my own decisions. Granted, I was literally a child only a few weeks ago, but I'm clearly not a child anymore.
Those sound like my father's words, the ones he must've put in Shawn's head.
I can't help but wonder, too, if Matthew had anything to do with this. He seemed to be pushing Shawn and me together from the beginning but I have this feeling that he's involved somehow. It wouldn't be out of character, or out of the question, for that matter, for him to be speaking out of both sides of his mouth, saying one thing to me and another thing to my father and Shawn.
I'm not na´ve. I know they all think I am. But I pick up on things faster than they do. And I'm not just talking about learning how to play instruments or swimming or driving.
Every minute, I'm figuring out how the world works. I'm not sure I like it, but I know that I'm hardly powerless in all this.
I'll show them. All these men -- my dad, Shawn, Matthew -- thinking they know what's best for me.
I make the decision of what's best for me.
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