JUNE 25, 2006
I WILL NOT LET MATTHEW MANIPULATE ME
I feel like something has been unleashed inside of me.
I can hardly describe what it's like being with Shawn, but it certainly is so much better than I could have imagined. With him I feel things I've never felt before.
I love the way my body takes over, like it has a mind of its own. There are times I never want to leave his bed. It's like our own private world where we can just be two people, not two outsiders.
It's the one thing we can keep secret from everyone ... but Matthew.
Lately, it has seemed impossible to keep anything from Matthew. It's like he seems to know everything and doesn't even try to hide it.
At first, I really loved all the gorgeous things he bought me, especially since they were so clearly a turn-on for Shawn. But I realized, I am not with Shawn to manipulate him and I really don't like it when Matthew tries to manipulate me.
Matthew's trying to confuse me with what he tells me about how relationships work, but I have a feeling his motives are not purely selfless. There's got to be something in it for Matthew. I just haven't figured out what it is yet.
But I will.
For now, I think I just have to concentrate on being there for Shawn in a real way. He's hurt because it seems like Matthew and my dad don't believe in him anymore, at least, not the way that Shawn says Jordan Collier did.
I don't know what mistake Shawn made -- but what Shawn needs to understand is that I can help him -- not just by being his friend, but also by using my newfound abilities. Each day, I'm learning something new and I'm realizing I don't have to be afraid of anything or anyone.
There's almost nothing that can hurt me.
The same, however, is not true for others.
Shawn and I could be powerful together. I think I finally made that clear to Matthew.
I hope he begins to keep his presents -- and his advice -- to himself from now on. And that he takes my message seriously.
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