ISABELLE BLOG



JUNE 18, 2006
SHAWN WILL BE MY FIRST


I am learning new things everyday from Shawn.

Swimming with him was amazing. At first I felt uncomfortable, because I don't like being in situations where I don't know how to do something, but then, when Shawn was holding me in his hands and I felt weightless in his arms, it was freeing.

It was the first time I understood what it is to be a woman with a man ... and I liked it. And I know I had an effect on him too, or my body did.

I saw him looking at me in my bathing suit -- and I don't just mean my face. It made me feel powerful, like I could control him if I wanted to. I've noticed that when he's teaching me how to do things, he seems to relax and open up to me. There's a real connection growing. I think he's beginning to trust me.

That's why I asked Shawn to be my first.

I knew my dad wouldn't want to discuss this with me, but I felt like I had to go to him for advice anyway. He's been acting distant and guarded around me lately. I know he's grieving about my mother -- I am, too -- but it's clearly been worse for him.

I just really needed someone to talk to -- and preferably not Matthew. Though he always seems to want to talk to me.

When he gave me that beautiful dress, I felt weird about it. It was such an extravagant gift. And then, when I put it on, I felt how he said I would: sexy and empowered.

But Matthew wasn't giving the dress to me for him to enjoy; it's like he wanted me to have it for Shawn. He seems to know a lot about me -- I'm not sure how -- and it makes me uncomfortable. I should probably keep my guard up around him until I know what he's up to.

Honestly, I much rather spend my time thinking about Shawn. If the way we're connecting is any indication, then what happens next is going to be far better than swimming.

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