JUNE 18, 2006
SHAWN WILL BE MY FIRST
I am learning new things everyday from Shawn.
Swimming with him was amazing. At first I felt uncomfortable, because I don't like being in situations where I don't know how to do something, but then, when Shawn was holding me in his hands and I felt weightless in his arms, it was freeing.
It was the first time I understood what it is to be a woman with a man ... and I liked it. And I know I had an effect on him too, or my body did.
I saw him looking at me in my bathing suit -- and I don't just mean my face. It made me feel powerful, like I could control him if I wanted to. I've noticed that when he's teaching me how to do things, he seems to relax and open up to me. There's a real connection growing. I think he's beginning to trust me.
That's why I asked Shawn to be my first.
I knew my dad wouldn't want to discuss this with me, but I felt like I had to go to him for advice anyway. He's been acting distant and guarded around me lately. I know he's grieving about my mother -- I am, too -- but it's clearly been worse for him.
I just really needed someone to talk to -- and preferably not Matthew. Though he always seems to want to talk to me.
When he gave me that beautiful dress, I felt weird about it. It was such an extravagant gift. And then, when I put it on, I felt how he said I would: sexy and empowered.
But Matthew wasn't giving the dress to me for him to enjoy; it's like he wanted me to have it for Shawn. He seems to know a lot about me -- I'm not sure how -- and it makes me uncomfortable. I should probably keep my guard up around him until I know what he's up to.
Honestly, I much rather spend my time thinking about Shawn. If the way we're connecting is any indication, then what happens next is going to be far better than swimming.
Past Entries from Isabelle:
- (6/11) I Have a Purpose