JUNE 11, 2006
I HAVE A PURPOSE
Who am I?
One minute, I'm six months old and the next, I'm a woman. I have no idea how or why it happened, but there's got to be a reason for all of this.
For the moment, I'm just trying to get used to my new life and new body. I missed a lot by growing up "instantly," but now, I'm old enough to do so many more things, including the simple things I didn't get to do had I aged normally.
There are books I haven't read, places I haven't gone and conversations I haven't had. There are even people I haven't gotten to know that I've just started to know in a different way, as an adult -- like Shawn.
Shawn is different from everyone else I've met. He isn't afraid of me. I think he understands me, probably because we're so similar, having ended up in such strange circumstances with lives we never would've imagined for ourselves.
I've also been trying to figure out what I should do about my mother.
My mother is a good person who would do anything for me. I know I've been "blessed" -- by whom or what, I don't know -- to have had her in my life. I hate that my getting older made her age so quickly and is jeopardizing her life. I know she's frightened. She can't hide the fact that I scare her. I can see it in her eyes.
And my dad is so sad, too. He might lose "his Lily" a second time and it's all because of me.
That's why I tried to end my life by jumping off the roof. I couldn't stand to be the reason for their pain.
But then, inexplicably, I lived. I shouldn't have, not after that huge fall, but I did. Not a single broken bone or scratch. So maybe there's a reason for me to go on living, no matter the cost?
And I think my mother knows that. It seemed like she gave me her wedding ring, the one that was my great grandmother's, as a goodbye. And that's why I didn't take the injection Matthew gave me, because I think my mother is making the ultimate sacrifice for me, perhaps for the very future of everyone.
Now I know that I have to see this through. My being here has a purpose. I don't know what it is, but I know it's important.
And now, I'm ready.