AUGUST 24, 2007
THE NEW HERO IN TOWN
For years I've been hearing people talk about Adrian Monk. Adrian Monk is a real man, Adrian Monk isn't afraid of grapefruits, Adrian Monk doesn't cry when his shadow seems lazy, Adrian Monk knows how to skip stones. That's what they all say. I've never actually heard anyone besides me say it, but I know that's what they're thinking. And I'm sick and tired of it. I'm just as much of a man as Adrian Monk. I'm more of a man. I'm double the man he is. Or triple the man. Or maybe even quadruple the man. I'm much, much more of a man. And this is my time. People love me. I'm a hero. Because I'm the Frisco Fly. Sort of. It's a long story; I wouldn't want to bore you with the details. The point is, Adrian Monk isn't the big man around town anymore. And I bet it's just driving him crazy.
Yes, it looks like the tables have turned, Adrian Monk. I'm the one people want to talk about now. I'm the one with my own blog. I'm the hero. I even have a special hero costume. It chafes a little, and with my skin tone green isn't very flattering, but it's still better than your hero costume. Oh, what's that, you don't have one? That's right, you don't. Because I'm the hero. Ha! It's killing you, isn't it Adrian Monk! That is if you're even reading this. You probably don't even know how to use a computer. You probably you don't even know what a blog is. You probably didn't make your son explain it to you and then show you how to turn it on and then type for you as you dictated your blog. You are such a sad, sad man Adrian Monk. I pity you, I really do.
But I've made an important decision: when it comes to Adrian Monk, I've decided to take the high road. He couldn't even take the high road if he wanted to because he's too afraid of heights. That man is paralyzed by his fear. But not me. I'm the Frisco Fly, for goodness sake. I jump off buildings. A man who was paralyzed by a fear of heights certainly wouldn't do that now would he? I'm obviously the bigger man here – and I don't just mean physically bigger, though I am 11/16 of an inch taller. No, I mean I'm psychologically bigger too. And as the bigger man – the much, much bigger man – I can afford to have a little sympathy for the less fortunate. Like Adrian Monk. What does he have in his life? Nothing. That's why he's so obsessed with me. Because I have a loving wife, a son who adores me, an exciting career as a loan officer, a highly influential position on the local school board, a therapist who considers me one of his dearest friends – who actually thinks of me more like family really. And Adrian Monk? He doesn't even have a real job. He doesn't have a family. He's never taken a bullet for his therapist. He doesn't even drink milk. All he has is Natalie, and she's nothing special. Her left calf is slightly smaller in circumference than her right calf. If I had an assistant – which I wouldn't, because unlike some people I don't need a babysitter – you can bet her calves would be even, that's for sure. Yes, Adrian Monk is a small man, living a small, pathetic life.
I'm not stupid, I know this Frisco Fly thing probably won't last forever. Not with Adrian Monk around, trying to sabotage me and ruin every good thing that happens to anyone else just so he can feel better about his own life. And even though I have a lot going on for me, there are a few things I'll miss about being known as the Frisco Fly. Not the parachuting off buildings part, or the outfit, or constantly being asked to kiss babies. (Hello people, I didn't kiss my own baby, what makes you think I'll kiss yours?) But I'll miss the respect. That's the best part of being the Frisco Fly. My son says I'm a hero, which is a nice change from when he used to call me a freak. My wife doesn't cry so much when she looks at me anymore. Even the people at work, the ones who used to deliberately mess up my pencil drawer or leave indecent photocopies in the copier, are nice to me now. That's the best thing about being the Frisco Fly.
But the second best part is that it's driving Adrian Monk crazy.