JULY 27, 2007

by Chance Singer

Well folks, it's official – the Naturist Beachfront Committee has a new home. I'm writing to you from the beautiful beaches of our island paradise, where we no longer have to struggle against the oppressive forces of clothism and gymnophobia. No, here on our island we are free to be our most natural, liberated selves, free from the shackles of narrow minds and pants. We are one with nature, our hearts and bodies are in harmony. It is truly a clothing-optional utopia.

Just this afternoon, when I popped my head into Anita's nude Jazzercise class and saw all those happy naturists getting a great naked aerobic workout, I thought about how far we've come. Our center for the enjoyment and advancement of naturism provides its members – and any member of the public with an interest in naturism, we welcome all – with a whole bunch of great ways to enjoy life in the nude. Just come as you are, and join us in some nude badminton or tai chi. Take a class in nude flower arranging, knitting, or pottery. Or stop by for one of our terrific social events, like tomorrow's nude swing dancing workshop, which we're all pretty stoked about. It's a great time to be a naturist, that's for sure.

I wish I could say things have always been this easy for us, but the harsh truth is that we naturists have had to deal with a lot of negative energy. It's not my style to be down on my fellow man, but I'll say it: clothists can be so small-minded. Naturism is all about freedom and tolerance and peaceful nude recreation, but these people aren't hearing our message. Nude is not lewd, man. That's not what we're about. Like I've been saying, naturism is about acceptance. Through naturism we come to accept not just ourselves but others. And acceptance is something this crazy world of ours could use a whole lot more of.

But like I said, there's a lot of negative vibes out there in the world. I think it has to do with all the clothes – they cut off the flow of energy, and do some serious damage to a guy's chi. Look at Peter Magneri, for example. Now that guy was so wound up it almost killed him. And that detective, Adrian Monk? He was so…clothed. I mean this man had more buttons buttoned on his shirt than I knew existed in the world. I had trouble breathing just looking at him. I still have nightmares thinking about those buttons. That man's body was screaming to be released from its prison. I could hear it loud and clear. But some people just aren't ready for the naturist message.

We're not giving up though. We'll never give up on spreading the message of harmony, peace and comfortable nudity. Our work won't be done until every lawyer is free to practice the law in the nude, every traffic cop free to direct traffic in the nude, every garbage collector free to collect garbage in the nude. What a wonderful world that would be.

We believe there's a naturist in everyone, even in Adrian Monk. We just need to let them free. Which is why I invited Mr. Monk to drop by for some nice relaxing canoeing. He said he couldn't make it. Actually, I believe his exact words were more like "I'd rather die a thousand deaths." Which is a shame, because if there's one thing that man could benefit from it's some good clothes-free canoeing.

©2011 NBCUniversal, Inc. All Rights Reserved

A Division of NBCUniversal