JULY 13, 2007
AN OPEN LETTER FROM MARCI MAVEN
You probably all know who I am already, so I'm not going to waste time with introductions. As you know, I recently became the founder and president of the F. Murray Abraham Fan Club. And it's hardly even worth mentioning, but I used to be president of a few other fan clubs. One was for this actor Brad Terry who turned out to be a psycho ex-wife killer, and one was for Adrian Monk, the detective. I used to think Adrian was the greatest detective in the universe, and I was actually his assistant for a while (yes, I'm also the author of award-winning fan fiction such as "Mr. Monk and the Dragon's Lair" and "Mr. Monk and the Deathly Hallows") but now I think he's just okay. Adrian was devastated when I ended our personal and professional relationships, but I knew it was the right thing for Marci. It just wasn't healthy; I felt like I was in a really toxic mental space. That's why I decided to devote my attention to someone less obsessive and weird, someone who doesn't freak out every time a fan licks his mailbox or makes abstract sculptures out of his hair, orange peels and empty tissue boxes.
Don't get me wrong, Monk is a good detective and everything. I mean sure, he almost got me killed, but other than that he did a pretty okay job solving the case. If you call getting your assistant (me) shot an okay job. You probably read about it in the paper, how Monk and I solved the big mystery after my dead dog Otto was framed for murder. It got a lot of press, and my Monk website got hundreds of hits. Well, dozens of hits. Maybe before I shut down my fansite you read my last entry, "Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan" which told the whole story. Well, even though Monk practically begged me to be his permanent personal assistant after that, I just decided that enough was enough, you know? I'm not a negative person or anything, but as far as I'm concerned, Natalie (that's Monk's other assistant, the one he had to take back after I quit) can have him. I'm on to bigger and better things.
And what could be bigger or better than F. Murray Abraham? (Or F., as I like to call him). With Monk, I was really limiting myself. He's really only helped what, like a hundred people, maybe two hundred? How many people has F. touched with his performances in such classic film like Amadeus and Peperoni Ripieni e Pesci in Faccia, or as the narrator in Pompei: The Last Day? Countless people, way more than Monk ever helped. That's why I'm so passionate about spreading the word about F.'s amazing life and career.
You know how they say behind every great man there is a woman? Well readers, I have been the woman behind Adrian Monk – 300 yards behind, in some cases. (God, stupid judges and their stupid restraining orders.) And I'll tell you this: as soon as I find out where Mr. F. Murray Abraham lives, I will be the woman behind him. Right behind him.
Well, this has been fun, but now I've got business to do. After all, F. Murray Abraham's nail clippings aren't going to fish themselves out of the trash.
Love to all,
President and Founder, F. Murray Abraham Fan Club
Former President and Founder, Detective Adrian Monk Fan Club
Former President and Founder, Brad Terry Fan Club